Ladies, I Found the Perfect Underwear and I’m Not Even Fucking Around – You Need These in Your Life



Let’s get one thing out of the way, right off the top: The perfect underwear isn’t some metaphor for self-actualization or nirvana. I have literally found the cute, no VPL, no wedgie drawers that are going to make your life better, and I’m on a mission to tell every woman about it.

I’m also not trying to rope you into some dubious panty pyramid scheme. I’m not making any money by sharing this with you. I’m not even using affiliate links. (Should I be using affiliate links? Shit, I’m too lazy to figure out how to do that.)

I take my underwear pretty seriously. I’m one of those people who, when going on vacation, packs enough underwear to comfortably shit myself three times per day without running out. (This has never happened, but I like to be prepared.) I have different categories of underwear:  no VPL daytime, cute and comfortable nighttime, granny panty comfortable nighttime, sexy nighttime, and no VPL workout. (I also have a handful of thongs I bought a whim that are shoved in the corner of the drawer and never see the light of day – or the crack of my ass. You’re welcome, America.)

I keep trying new underwear in search of the holy grail: the one pair of underwear that can do it all. By do it all, I mean: No panty lines, no riding up my ass, cute, and comfortable. Until recently, I have always had to choose between no VPL and no riding up. Usually any underwear that fits snugly enough to stay put cuts into the square sack of mango pulp that is my middle-aged white ass, causing visible panty lines. (Like these, from The Gap, that are cute and comfy, but cause VPL. They are my cute and comfortable nighttime panties.)

I found these by Maidenform, which don’t give me any VPL if I size up, but they stretch out pretty quickly and end up sliding down my ass. (I’m tired of going into the supply closet at work, pretending to need more post-it notes, when I’m really reaching down the back of my pixie pants to pull up my sagging unders.)

Thanks to a recent holiday sale, I decided to try a totally new brand for me: Soma. Specifically, they have a line they call Vanishing Edge that promises no VPL. As an added bonus, they are a little cuter than the Maidenform undies that have been my go-to for no VPL. I ordered five different styles, and while I have three favorites, all of them hit the trifecta: no VPL, they stay put, and they are cute.

This vanishing edge shit is for real. The edges of the panties are super thin so they disappear under clothing. What makes them different from anything else I’ve tried is that they have a thin rubber-like backing that makes the panties stay put without being tight or binding. (If you have ever worn thigh high “stay put” stockings, it’s the exact same thing.) In my experience, these don’t move around at all. No VPL, no wedgies. Perfectendräwer.

I like the Vanishing Edge Microfiber Hipster, the Vanishing Edge Microfiber with Lace Hipster, and the Vanishing Edge Cotton Blend with Lace Bikini the best. They are not quite as high-waisted as the other styles, although they probably wouldn’t work with low rise pants. The Vanishing Edge Microfiber with Lace High Leg Brief are also great, but higher in the waist. I also bought two pairs of the Vanishing Edge Microfiber Boyshorts, and they are fine, but I’ve learned that I am just not a boyshort person. The boyshorts are also very high-waisted for me. They tried to peek over the edge of my medium-rise pants. (When I wore them, my husband told me I was the middle-aged, white lady version of young thugs in saggy jeans, with their boxers showing. I was not amused.)

Oh, and these Soma underwear run totally true to size. I’ve worn a medium in every pair of underwear I’ve bought in the last four years, and a medium fit perfectly in these.

So, that’s it. Buy these underwear because they are awesome and you deserve it.

The end.