A Peek Inside My Brain: My Swype Custom Dictionary


There were no copyright-free images of cell phones from this century.

If you really want to know what’s important to someone, take a peek inside their phone’s custom dictionary. Which curse words do they use enough to add? What prescription medications are they on? What’s their WIFI password?

With the exception of my WIFI password and email addresses, here is my unedited custom dictionary. I curse a lot. (Big surprise.) I like Mexican food. I talk about health issues more than I thought. I’m constantly looking for better makeup.

But really, the first entry says it all.

  1. adulting – Adulting is hard AF. Sometimes you have to text about it.
  2. Alexa – Honestly, no fucking idea. I don’t know anyone named Alexa, let alone anyone I text about enough to need her name in my custom dictionary. Alexa, if you’re out there, who are you? Why were you important to me once?
  3. arugula – Arugula is my favorite salad green of all time and I eat the fuck out of it.
  4. ass – self-explanatory
  5. asshole – self-explanatory
  6. Ayanna – a super cool girl from high school who lives in the city I just moved to. What up Ayanna?
  7. bitch – self-explanatory
  8. bitches – when there’s more than one.
  9. boob – Sometimes I want to talk about one of my boobs.
  10. Boobies – Sometimes I want to talk about both of my boobs.
  11. Boobs – see above
  12. Bukowski – My dad sent me a book of Charles Bukowski poetry for my birthday and I’m still trying to figure out if I like it.
  13. bullshit – self-explanatory
  14. cantina – No idea why or when I’m talking about cantinas.
  15. Celexa – Because sometimes you need to counsel your best friend on anti-depressants that have worked for you in the past that she might want to try.
  16. Chobani – My favorite yogurt. I eat the fuck out of this. But you have to watch out for those Chobani flips. They’re addictive.
  17. Cinco – Probably added this when I was deluding myself into thinking I would go out for Cinco De Mayo. I did not. But we did get Mexican takeout from our favorite place.
  18. crap – self-explanatory
  19. crappy – self-explanatory
  20. cryotherapy – Fucking lady problems. You don’t want this done to your cervix. Trust me. You’ll be texting about it for weeks.
  21. Cunt – self-explanatory
  22. Cunty – Acting like a cunt. Duh.
  23. Damn – How is this not in the default dictionary. It’s pretty fucking tame.
  24. Dekalb – Moved here 3 months ago. Still not quite sure if it’s pronounced “De-kalb or De-cab”.
  25. dick – self-explanatory
  26. emasculates – Um, this is a real word that wasn’t in my dictionary so I had to add it. I’m guessing Swype was designed by a man. Also, I should probably be nicer to my husband.
  27. emojis – When you want to talk about emojis.
  28. farting – It happens. Sometimes you have to talk about it.
  29. Fortysomething – This is me. I’m not happy about it.
  30. Fuck – self-explanatory
  31. fuck – self-explanatory
  32. Fucked – self-explanatory
  33. fucked – Yeah, I guess I say “fuck” a lot. Enough to need separate entries for my capitalized “fucks”.
  34. fucking – verb form
  35. fucks – more than one fuck.
  36. Gaby’s – Gaby is the realtor who helped us find our rental house. I had a love/hate relationship with Gaby. It’s complicated.
  37. ginormous – Bigger than enormous.
  38. Glominerals – Best mineral foundation out there, but make sure you google that shit and find the best price.
  39. GTA – From my brief love affair with Grand Theft Auto. I eventually gave up when it took me an hour just to get C.J. on his fucking bike.
  40. hell – self-explanatory
  41. hooker – This is a real word. I don’t know what I was talking about that necessitated my adding it to my dictionary, but it should have already been there.
  42. incisor – Those little teeth in the front. They come up in conversation more often than say, molars.
  43. Inseminated – When you’ve been trying to get pregnant for over two years, you will talk about sexy shit like this.
  44. Jordana – I always think I want to try this cheap-ass makeup, but I never do.
  45. kombucha – Bought three bottles of this on a day when I was feeling particularly white. It was okay.
  46. Larabar – Fucking love these motherfuckers. I eat them every day.
  47. lasered – Recently got my face lasered. Want to do it again.
  48. lotta – Slang for “a lot”. Not to be confused with Ray Liotta. “All my life, all I ever wanted to be was a gangster.” Shit, I need to rewatch Goodfellas. I love that movie.
  49. milani – Cheap-ass makeup. Their eye shadow primer is the shit.
  50. motherfucker – Maybe this should be two words, but this motherfucker ain’t got time for that.
  51. Nyx – Best cheap makeup there is.
  52. orgasmability – An important consideration when trying new medications, like the Celexa mentioned above. (For the record, Celexa did not affect my orgasmability. Prozac though? Dead from the waist down.)
  53. Parilla – La Parilla is our favorite Mexican restaurant for takeout and the reason I am seven pounds heavier than when we moved here three months ago.
  54. pissing – self-explanatory
  55. porn – self-explanatory
  56. redneck – Maybe this should be two words or hyphenated, but it’s not like a redneck is going to know the difference and complain.
  57. Revenant – I literally texted this once to my husband as a Redbox suggestion. He brought home “Sisters”. Hilarious though. (“Sisters” that is. I still haven’t seen “The Revenant”.)
  58. Sammiches – Sammiches and Psych Meds is the first website that ever paid me to write. I love them.
  59. schmoopy – My husband and I call each other this because we are gross and like Seinfeld.
  60. selfie – I hate myself for having added this.
  61. Selfies – Still hate myself, but everybody knows you can’t get a good selfie in one try.
  62. Seltzer – The name of my husband’s and my former primary care doctor. That dude was just counting the days to retirement. Can we get some Xanax? No, we could not.
  63. semen – Another delightfully unsexy term that couples struggling with infertility talk about over text messages. “How much semen did you give in your sample?” “About a quart or so.” “Impressive.”
  64. Shit – self-explanatory
  65. shit – self-explanatory
  66. shitty – self-explanatory
  67. smeller – I am a super smeller. I can smell things nobody else can smell. Sometimes I text my husband about it when I’m following my nose all over the house trying to decide what smells weird. (It wasn’t his gym shoes, by the way. It was the Chlorox Clean Up I used on the counters! I know! I was surprised too.)
  68. smuckers – They make the best natural peanut butter ever. But you better log that shit in your calorie counter because it adds up fast.
  69. sonofabitch – Son of a bitch is just funnier as one word.
  70. sumbitch – It’s even funnier when you spell it like this!
  71. tankini – I have no idea why this is in my custom dictionary. I’ve never worn a tankini.
  72. Topamax – This shit will cure your migraines. It makes soda taste weird, but it’s worth it.
  73. twerked – From that one time I wrote about Miley Cyrus? I’m really not sure.
  74. WHR – This is the company that handled a large portion of our relocation to Atlanta. They were great.
  75. Willivee – This is the name of a street a few blocks from us. I want to buy a house there, so I search for houses for sale on Willivee and Trulia says, “Bitch, you can’t afford that.”
  76. yardwork – I love doing yard work and apparently I love it so much I want it to be one word. But seriously, yardword helps me stay fit and stay sane. It’s the best thing ever. And yes, I’ll totally rake your leaves for you this fall.

There it is. If you’re feeling bold, leave a comment with some of the weirdest words from your custom dictionary. Only your phone knows who you really are.