Today I came across an article declaring that Michigan is America’s #1 State.

I’m from Michigan. I spent the first 28 years of my life there, and I can tell you that this article is full of shit. If the categories are “Least Drinkable Water” and “Most Boarded-Up Strip Malls” then we might have had a chance at #1. Let’s look at what actually went into this “best state” bullshit, shall we?

“The Motor City’s become a scrappily rising underdog you can’t help but root for, but Michigan’s greatest strengths lie in the state as a whole.

Nope. Listen, we all want Detroit to make a comeback. But as long as you can buy a 2,000+ square foot home for $500, it’s safe to say there’s a lot of work to be done. (Go ahead and look at the crime map for that neighborhood. Zoom out a little. Zoom out a little more. No thank you.)

Alright, Detroit’s a war zone. Okay. But what about the rest of the state?

“Did you know Michigan has more coastline than any state other than Alaska?

I think maybe we need to have a talk about the difference between quantity and quality. “Coastline” doesn’t do you a lot of good when the average temperature for Lake Superior is 40 degrees. I spent summers swimming in Lake Michigan at South Haven, but you wouldn’t catch me going much further north for a dip.

But what about the beer, Tina? What about the damn beer?

“Did you know it has such an embarrassment of beer riches that you can easily hit Bell’s and Founders in the same afternoon?”

Okay, I like beer too, and Bell’s is awesome, no doubt. But you know what is great about Bell’s? I can go to the store here in Atlanta and get some. Restaurants have it too. It’s almost as if you don’t have to live in that shitty state just to drink their delicious beer. Oh wait, it’s EXACTLY like that.

“Did you know the UP is so remote and uniquely beautiful that it almost feels like a secret 51st state where they inexplicably love British meat pies?”

My husband is a Yooper. He grew up in Escanaba, on the coast of the part of Lake Michigan that is too fucking cold to swim in. I’ve been there many times. The meat pies – called pasties – are indeed delicious, but meat pies only get you so far. What about the remoteness and beauty? Well, the UP  is remote. You have to drive at least an hour if you want to buy your clothes anywhere other than JC Penney or Shopko. Or if you want to go to a concert. Or see a real doctor.

“Did you know most residents are more than happy to apologize for Kid Rock?”

I’m sorry. But we also gave you Eminem, so…even?

“Michigan is home to the greatest sports city in the country.”

The actual fuck? The Detroit Lions are the worst team in the history of people getting together and throwing balls at each other. Their fans, of which my husband is one, are going to hate me for saying that. Lions fans are like that girl you were friends with in high school whose boyfriend constantly cheated on her. Every time she would break up with him and say “No more!” but then they win one game and the next thing you know she’s letting him break her heart again every Sunday. Every fucking Sunday.

“You can point out where you live just by showing people your hand.”

This is true and everybody does it and it’s kind of funny, but really? If your digits are even a little bit flexible, you can make just about any state work. I just flipped my mitten hand and turned it upside and now it’s Florida! Also, we have Google Maps now, so who cares?

What did the article have to say about the worst states?

“The worst state in the union? Yep, that would be Florida. And Ohio, labeled by Thrillist as ‘the Florida of the North,’ is right near the bottom at 48th.”

Okay, that cracks me up because I left Michigan to move to Ohio and then I left Ohio to move to Florida. (I recently left Florida to move to my current residence in Atlanta, GA.)

Florida is awesome. I mean, the people are batshit crazy and racist and it’s too hot to go out in the summer and there are hurricanes and flooding, but the beaches are amazing. In any “Top Ten Beaches in the United States” list, there will always be a few from Florida. Do you know how many Michigan beaches are on those lists? None. Because it’s Michigan and it’s mitten-shaped coastline is unusable for most of the year. Also, the houses in Florida are affordable and there’s no state income tax.

And if Ohio as “the Florida of the North” then Michigan’s Upper Peninsula is the Alabama of the North. When my husband was a kid, he got the first day of hunting season off of school. It was a school holiday. He had a mullet until his second year of college. Trust me, with Michigan, the further north you go, the more “southern” it gets.

Now I live in Atlanta and I love it, but I’m not going to tell you why it’s so great. We have too many people here as it is. Check out Detroit instead. I hear it’s a buyers’ market.