How to Do a Colon Cleanse: The Shit Chronicles

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Ok, so here’s the deal. Based on an episode of Oprah and the fact that we are all, undoubtedly, full of shit, I’ve decided to cleanse my colon. Why not? I don’t like the idea of walking around with 40 pounds of fecal matter embedded in my bowels and then dying on the crapper like Elvis. That being said, I’m going to post my experience in detail, so the squeamish might as well leave now.

My chosen product is called OxyPowder. It promises to liquefy (!) all the old shit in my colon and send it on its way. This seemed like a good idea to me. Although the idea of pissing out of my ass is not appealing, liquefying the old crusty crap seemed safer than trying to poop is all out in its current form.

DAY ONE (5/18/05)
So I took my beginning dose of 4 capsules last night before bed. I’m supposed to have between 3 and 5 monster shits (my words, not theirs) today. If not, I up the dosage.

I woke up with no urge to poo and was pretty disappointed. I expected to be running for the potty first thing. Then again, my inner workings are a little slow due to the pain pills I take for migraines, so I’m not totally surprised that it’s not hitting me hard.

I had a protein shake for breakfast – trying to eat light this week for the experiment. Shortly thereafter, I had my first poo!

No “butt pee” just a good old regular poop. I will say though, with a sick bit of pride, that one good push and I expelled enough to nearly clog the toilet. So there I am hovering over the potty, flushing the toilet 3 times before it would go down. I almost wish I had a scale so I could weigh myself before and after each poo. I think I put down at least a pound with that one. Score!

Ok, so it’s a couple of hours later and I just had poo number two. (Number two, get it? Anyway.) This was a rather uninspired movement. It was much lower in viscosity and lacked the commode-clogging substance of its predecessor. I was left feeling like I had more to give. We shall see.

Well, it’s almost 4 pm and no more poo. I had practically planned my whole day around expelling massive quantities of God-knows-what so I’m a little disappointed. I was promised 3 to 5 big loads and so far only 1 awesome dump and 1 tiny poo. Harumph. Looks like I will be upping my dosage of OxyPowder tonight.

DAY TWO (5/19/05)
Alright, now THIS is what I’m talking about. I’m a poop machine! Increasing my dosage from 4 capsules to 6 capsules seems to have been the answer.

I started my day off with a great big monster shit that would make anybody proud. In the two hours since waking (yeah, that’s right, it’s 1:00 pm – welcome to the world of the unemployed), I’ve had 3 more liqui-poos. Not as impressive as their voluminous counterparts, but still satisfying nonetheless.

I haven’t had any run-to-the-potty-clutching-my-ass-in-terror moments, but I’m glad I’m home with nothing to do. When it’s time to go, it’s pretty much like turning on a spigot and letting the poo faucet run. There hasn’t been any pain or cramping or anything like that, just the frustration of realizing that I haven’t bought any new magazines since my flight to Las Vegas last month.

Looks like today it’s just going to be me and an old issue of Glamour (how ironic) camping out in the upstairs powder room until further notice.

Well, it’s 6:00 pm and nothing much more to report. Other than a few mini-poos this afternoon, it has been uneventful. Seems as if, in this colon, all the action happens shortly after getting out of bed. (Which is much better than if it was all happening shortly before getting out of bed. Indeed.)

Six capsules feels like my magic number, so I’ll be dosing again tonight and pooing again tomorrow. Stay tuned.

DAY THREE (5/20/05)
My ass is tired.

I had a few more mini-poos yesterday evening. No big deal, but kind of annoying. It was this constant feeling of having a major transaction on deck, only to sit on the potty and have a few wormy little shits come out. Hardly worth the price of admission.

I took my six capsules at bedtime and settled in for nighty-night.

Fast forward to 3:00 am. I was awakened by the need to tinkle (not that unusual for me), only to sit on the potty and find out my ass had other plans. I had to prop my eyelids open for 10 minutes while my intestinal tract emptied into the bowl. Nice. I wasn’t planning on that. When this shit starts interfering with my sleep, things are getting serious.

Three more hours later, it’s 6:00 am and I’m on the potty again. Three times in ten minutes I make the trek to the shit room to have Niagara Falls empty itself from my colon. I am not pleased. I did not sign up for 24-hour shit alert.

It’s currently 8:00 am and I haven’t shit in over an hour. Hurray! I can’t imagine there’s anything left in there anyway. I think all the good shit is gone and now the scrubbing bubbles are just hosing out my tubes.

I’ve decided to test my hypothesis that all the old shit is gone. If there is one food that goes through your digestive system more or less intact, it has to be corn. (I could go into a lengthy explanation about how the cellulose-based casing of each kernel is actually the part that passes through, giving the appearance that the corn is unchanged, but hey…we’re talking about shit here. This isn’t exactly Mr. Wizard material.) So, I’ve asked the old man to pick up a can of corn on his way home tonight. I’ll have that with dinner and we’ll see what happens. This test may prove inconclusive, as I’m not prepared to poke at my expelled poo with a pair of chopsticks and some tweezers or put it under a microscope. If corn is readily visible, great. If not, so be it.

Now it’s 11:00 am and I’m having full on faucet-poos at least every hour or so. It’s getting tiresome. I’m not in pain, but my stomach is rumbling and gurgling like there’s an ecstasy-fueled shit rave going on in there, complete with pacifiers and glow sticks.

Seven days of this? At the rate I’m going I’ll be seeing visions of The Virgin Mary on my toilet paper by Day Five.

Ok, so it’s 6:00 pm and I nixed the corn idea. I think it was good in theory, but in practice, meh. I’m not ready to examine my poo that closely. Besides, I could shit out the Holy Grail at this point and it wouldn’t matter. I have decided that my colon cleanse has come to an end. Three days devoted to poo is enough. It’s not as if I’m some Siberian Monk with no agenda. I have a life to lead! Well, kinda. I at least need to be able to leave the house without worrying what’s going to peek out of my anus when I least expect it.

Oh, and believe it or not, constant defecation can put a bit of a damper on your sex life. No, really! (I know there are sites on the Internet that would suggest otherwise. Please do not send me links. For the love of God.)

IN SUMMATION
My bowels feel April fresh. I think overall, a few good shits will cure what ails you. If you have no job, go ahead and go on a shit safari. You never know what you might find.

**DISCLAIMER**

If you are retarded enough to construe the above anecdotal account of my colon as medical advice, then you deserve whatever happens to you, you sorry shit.

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